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Mr Jones went to speak to his priest.
"Father," Says Mr. Jones.
"I have a very embarrassing problem with my wife. She falls asleep during your sermons."
"This is a problem," Says the
priest. "Here, take this pin and when I nod, stick her with it." Mr. Jones thanks him and leaves.
At the next sermon, Mrs
Jones falls asleep as usual. The Priest nods and says "... and who died for us so many years ago?"
"JESUS!" Cries Mrs Jones.
"Thats
right, Mrs Jones." Says the Priest.
A little while later, Mrs Jones falls asleep again. The priest nods and says "...And
who is our holy Father?
"GOD!" Shouts the poor woman.
"Right again." Smiles the priest.
Well the priest got into
his sermon and was nodding very violently witout realising it. Mr Jones took it as a sign to stab Mrs Jones very hard. So
he did just as the priest said "...And what did Eve say to Adam as she bore him his 52nd son?"
"IF YOU STICK THAT THING
IN ME AGAIN I'LL BREAK IT OFF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!"
Hello mom and dad, well, i'm sorry if i haven't gotten to writing to
you guys for a few weeks, I admit it's been careless of me. Before we move on to this letter, I plead that you guys sit down
first, I have quite a bit to tell you. Now that you guys are sitting down here it goes.
Life in campus is so cool. I finally
have friends who drink and drive and they're names are Jim, tatoo, and Vens. Last week we went sky diving and it was just
a wave of fun.Well, I have room mate in my dorm who practices black magic and carries a knife all the time. She said it was
to make herself more powerful. the other thing is last week, the dormitory caught on fire and we all had to evacuate. I had
to jump from the fire scape since I was way at the fifth floor. I was unconscious for a while but this guy took me into his
own dorm and said I could stay for a while because my dorm was on fire. We fell inlove and got married. You guys will soon
be grandma and grandpa. The doctor said I would soon conceive if we find we clear up my infections.
Well mom and dad,
I'm glad we got to talk. I just like you guys to know that I don't have friends who drink and drive, we did not go sky diving,
my roommate doesn't practice black magic and does not carry a knife, the dorm did not catch on fire, a guy did not take me
in and i'm not pregnant with an infection. But I am getting a c in English, an F in Chem, a D in math and have dropped one
of my classes. But I know, just knowing that I am safe, you guys will be understanding.
Sam was excited about his promotion to Vice President at the company
where he worked and kept bragging about it, for weeks on end, to his wife.
Finally, she couldn't take it any longer, and told him, "Listen, it
means nothing! They even have a vice president of peas at the grocery store!"
"Really?" he said. Then, playing along with his wife, Sam called the
grocery store.
A clerk answered and Sam said, "Can I please talk to the Vice President
of peas?"
The clerk replied, "Canned or frozen?"
The college professor had just finished explaining an important
research
project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was
an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would
be
only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a
medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate
family.
A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand
and
spoke up. 'But what about extreme sexual exhaustion,
professor?' As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.
When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze
the
young man with a glaring look. 'Well,' he responded, 'I guess
you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand.'
there is a little boy that prays every night by his bed. one night he says God Bless mommy God Bless daddy God Bless gramma
goodbye grandpa.
the next day grandpa dies. then one week later after his funeral his dad watches him pray and the little
boy says God Bless mommy God Bless daddy goodbye gramma.
the next day gramma dies and a week after the funeral the dad
watches him pray again and he says: God Bless mommy goodbye daddy. so the dad freaks out and the next day he rushes to work
locks the door then when it was time to go home he rushes home and his wife asks him how was your day and he says fine thanks
and you and she says the strangest thing happened to me today. the milkman dropped dead on the ground.
so there's 3 men deserted on an island they find this old bottle rub it to find a genie come out of it "i'll grant you
one wish each" sez the genie "Great! me first" sez the first man "i wish to be back at hoome with my family" " your wish is
granted" sez the genie and he was gone.second man sez "i wish to be back in the pub with me mates" "your wish is granted"
sez the genie.The third man's wish had finally come and he sez "i wish me mates were back here again"
A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently
all
over the road. An Irish cop pulls him over.
"So,"
says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"
"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it
looks like you've had quite a few."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing
straight and folding his arms,
"that
a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens,"
sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
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